Thursday, March 03, 2011

Learning To Trust

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear" 1 John 4:18

In the midst of exploring who I am, in the process of uncovering my true self, learning to allow myself to make decisions based on my own needs, wants, hopes, dreams and desires, I come face to face with the fear that drove me to hide behind the mask of my co-dependent people pleasing behaviors to begin with.

Fear that others would not like the true me. Fear of being not good enough. Fearing the weight of judgment by others and never quite measuring up.

And feeling as if I must always strive to "make them" like me.

Whoever the "them" happened to be. Those invisible judges who knew my every move and were always displeased. What would they think of me if they could see my hair like this? or my clothes. or my room. or my grades. or my skin?

This extreme fear of man and being displeasing is not a conscientious thought or decision based on one moment in time. Rather a lifetime of moments, of "evidence" to my inherent flawedness.

We all have those moments. The feelings of rejection. unintentional or not. real or imagined. from peers, parents, teachers, society in general. A child absorbs the feelings and emotional waves of the people around her and has no way to process other then to associate it with her own behavior.

But there is now an opportunity to meet that child as an adult. To come along her within myself and help her to trust again. To help her to see her own worth and understand how much she is loved. lovable. worthy of. I go back to those moments now as an adult. I see them and experience them with fresh mature eyes and I show her compassion and acceptance and allow her feelings to be heard. I validate her and help her to release them. I help her to see herself, myself, in a new and more human way.

In this returning to the past I am able to tear down those walls around my heart erected so long ago. I invite God to come in and join me in the process of renewal. I trade in that fear of what "they" might think and let His good and perfect love seep in to the very morrow of my bone.

I don't have to be perfect to be loved. I don't even have to be liked by "them" to have worth.

I have a voice. I have feelings. I can make decisions about getting my needs met. I am learning to trust.

11 comments:

  1. I am so glad that you are doing this healing work. It is a piece that each of us has & has to heal. Blessings & wholeness to you.

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  2. I have had this same conversation with myself many times. It is getting easier to let go of the past and to trust...but every once in a while all that garbage seeps back in...thanks for an enlightening post

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  3. AMEN SISTER...God is your source, NEVER "them." And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet smelling aroma...Ephesians 5:2

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  4. oh, i have a "them" too, but sometimes, it feels like a "THEM". thank you for helping me know that i am not alone in this struggle. this is such a powerful post. thank you for having the courage to share your process of becoming, with us, with me.

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  5. Crystal, your post reminds me that I am not alone, or crazy, or weak, or..... Thank you for your bravery and truth.

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  6. Another beautiful and heart felt post Crystal. Thank you for touching on what so many of us woman experience. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing ... you.

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  7. Amen!!! So many of us women still hear these voices from the past whispering and sniping at us...Thank you for encouraging healing!

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  8. Crystal, I am reminded of a verse from Matthew 5 out of The Message: "Keep open house, be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, the generous Father in heaven." Thank you for your transparency and generosity in sharing this. I too, struggle to break these patterns and mindsets.

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  9. Crystal, your posts are always thought provoking and beautifully illustrated. Thank you for sharing your heart. :)

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  10. Crystal,
    Wonderful and honest post, once again. I have always claimed to be one of those people who "don't give a crap what other people think", but that is never completely honest is it? I had the quote on my fridge for a long time that said:
    "You would not spend so much time worrying what others think of you, if you realized how seldom they do". I think that is so true.
    Just as you touched on, its really OUR perception of OURSELVES. That cynical quote has helped me when I find myself falling into the mental trapping of "what would people say".
    I try to only worry about what others' opinion of me are, of whom one day I will give an account before God for. That keeps it in perspective for me.
    Keep that mind, and keep blogging!
    Cheers

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  11. Your name says it all, Crystal; you are always so clear and beautiful, honest and found. I can always see and hear you like a bell ringing in the clear mountain air.
    As you find your place with God, so do I find mine with my God. Your search informs us all. We all carry that useless feeling of shame around, which is harmful and useless and needs a kick to the curb. Where does it come from, why is it universal? Its ugliness hurts us all.
    You're brave enough to stand up to it, and you show the way. Thank you.

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