"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear" 1 John 4:18
In the midst of exploring who I am, in the process of uncovering my true self, learning to allow myself to make decisions based on my own needs, wants, hopes, dreams and desires, I come face to face with the fear that drove me to hide behind the mask of my co-dependent people pleasing behaviors to begin with.
Fear that others would not like the true me. Fear of being not good enough. Fearing the weight of judgment by others and never quite measuring up.
And feeling as if I must always strive to "make them" like me.
Whoever the "them" happened to be. Those invisible judges who knew my every move and were always displeased. What would they think of me if they could see my hair like this? or my clothes. or my room. or my grades. or my skin?
This extreme fear of man and being displeasing is not a conscientious thought or decision based on one moment in time. Rather a lifetime of moments, of "evidence" to my inherent flawedness.
We all have those moments. The feelings of rejection. unintentional or not. real or imagined. from peers, parents, teachers, society in general. A child absorbs the feelings and emotional waves of the people around her and has no way to process other then to associate it with her own behavior.
But there is now an opportunity to meet that child as an adult. To come along her within myself and help her to trust again. To help her to see her own worth and understand how much she is loved. lovable. worthy of. I go back to those moments now as an adult. I see them and experience them with fresh mature eyes and I show her compassion and acceptance and allow her feelings to be heard. I validate her and help her to release them. I help her to see herself, myself, in a new and more human way.
In this returning to the past I am able to tear down those walls around my heart erected so long ago. I invite God to come in and join me in the process of renewal. I trade in that fear of what "they" might think and let His good and perfect love seep in to the very morrow of my bone.
I don't have to be perfect to be loved. I don't even have to be liked by "them" to have worth.
I have a voice. I have feelings. I can make decisions about getting my needs met. I am learning to trust.