Prayer Journal Entry - Hey God It's Me Again

Some days as I create I am simply creating, just listening as the pictures I see and the words I hear collaborate to form a story. Other days I do a lot of thinking, sometimes maybe too much, and have questions for God. I work silently and wait to see if He answers.

Hey God it's me again,

I'm struggling today, as always, with so many questions on my mind. I know my questions don't scare you, but do they ever make you mad? Make you turn away from me? Frustrate you? Make you laugh? Do I ask too many or too often?

Like, what qualifies as real worship? Is there a right way and a wrong way? Is there a way that brings me closer to you then others? Is it jumping up & down clapping in unison with the entire congregation to celebrate the life you've given? Is it singing a prayer, walking in circles around the chair, speaking in tongues, calling out your name in between stanzas with hands raised? Is it closing my eyes and weeping at the beauty of the words being sung too moved to speak? Or is it when I sit quietly in my studio and push papers around, slopping glue on my hands and getting it in my hair, and faintly hearing your answers to my questions as I begin to see the picture I am making form in front of me?


And do I have to pray out loud in order for my prayers to be more powerful and effective? To send the enemy on the run as he hears me calling to you and standing on your promises? Am I sinning if I start to falter and forget what your promises to me even are, let alone how to stand on them? How do I know which way to pray is right? If I'm not prophesying and don't pray in tongues am I missing the mark?

If I quietly lead my life & sometimes talk about you to people who don't know you, but sometimes not, am I hurting you? Grieving your Spirit? Lord did you put me on this earth to live a life of martyrdom like your servant John, eating locusts and wearing animal skins or the modern day equivalent to it?

How can I believe what some say about sacrifice when they talk to me from their big houses & drive their nice cars? How can anyone believe me when I talk about you when they see that I have so little or need so much? When I am dealing with broken relationships and have such a messy life?

Do I discredit you when I don't look like I have it all together and still claim to know you, to be known by you?


I cry and moan to you and ask for one thing and then the next day I contradict myself and ask you for the opposite. I waver and flounder and don't have a clue some days, but I am trying.

Clearly, Lord, I have a tough road ahead of me and I know that you are with me on it, but are you with me more if I pray to you out loud while posturing on my knees then you are if I sit squirming in my bed because the pillows aren't comfortable enough, while the cat sleeps in my lap and I journal my thoughts in the form of a prayer to you or if I am simply sorting through these scraps of paper?

Lord I know you are a big enough God to handle my questions. On the one hand I feel guilty for having the questions in the first place, for my waffling and unsteady emotional swings, but on the other hand I feel like you are the only place I can go with this. You understand me more then anyone.



One thing I know for sure is you are there. You allowed me to stray so far from you and when I was ready you opened your arms and welcomed me home. You answered every one of my questions when I needed to know if you were real. I am grateful I can come to you. Grateful you will be with me on my steady and secure days as much as you are on my most uncertain. Grateful that for as many questions I have, you have all the answers.

And I know that you hear me, even if all I am doing is writing to you in this journal and praying to you in my head & my heart, because there have been so many answered prayers. So many real & tangible answered prayers.

Field Studies - Encaustics and Bugs

"Field Studies" is a series of collage works featuring black & white insect engravings from a 1920s edition of an Insect Field Guide.

Each collage is created from antique papers, ephemera, and textures on gesso board, then enhanced and protected with encaustic wax and nicely mounted on a standard 8" x 10" mat ready for you to frame to fit your own decor.

Check these and further Field Studies works out at OPF Studio on Etsy~

Trust the Voice Within

"I've Got Something To Say" Encaustic Wax Collage by Crystal Neubauer

There are stories within each one of us just waiting to be told. There are experiences we've had and feelings we've stored that need to be released in the telling. There is a playful side to even the most serious among us. A voice that wants to be heard.

It is the storytellers voice within.

We all have it, this desire to communicate creatively. Some are blessed with the ability to put pen to paper and write or even draw, releasing the story in a clear and precise way. Others may easily paint what the storyteller sees. But there are times these stories are lost in the clamor of daily life. So many demands fighting for our attention that we lose our ability to hear or to trust that voice within.

It is necessary during these times to slow down. Find a place of solitude and listen. Trust what we are hearing and our ability to express it uniquely, creatively.

Maybe your story comes out in the form of a freshly baked loaf of sourdough bread. You've created the starter and excitedly shared with your friends what you learned of its history.

Maybe you've developed a love for gardening. Planting and weeding and lovingly cultivating the soil in preparation for the crop as you work through your grief over the loss of your mother. You reach across the void to connect with her again. Her story, your shared story, is told as the lilies dance and bloom each Spring.

I've found my voice in the artistic process of creating collage and mixed media works. I sit in a quiet place and trust the materials I've placed in front of me to speak. Trust that the story that is still unheard, still not perceived by my conscious mind, will be told as I assemble the pieces that have found their way into my possession.

As I commit to what pleases my eye I have learned to listen. To hear what begins as a faint whisper of recognition within my heart. Sometimes I know from the very first moment the story that is about to unfold. Sometimes it takes days of walking around the finished work before the meaning is revealed to me. This storyteller of mine can be shy, but it never disappoints me. It always has something to say.

As I have learned to trust this voice, my voice, I've grown in so many ways. And as I've grown in confidence of my own artistic voice, I've grown in my desire to share what I've learned with others. This month I had my first opportunity to do just that at Art & Soul in Portland through my class "Front & Center: 3D Collage with a Story".

It has been two weeks since I've been home and I still can't do justice to the experience with words. Maybe the storyteller within will need to sit down and do some creating to find a way to express it?

I had an amazing group of artists there, eager to learn the skills that were being taught, and very open to the process of learning to trust what they were bringing together and listen to the storytellers voice within.

Wendy S. piecing together her collage

As we talked about glue and the process of collage we discussed working without a plan. No formula or rules about composition, just trusting the eye to see what the storyteller was trying to say.

Wendy S's background collage

We learned to use a jewelers saw and cut acrylic and make tube rivets to sandwich a focal image and set it apart from the collage.

Yona sharing her story

As the students got used to the proper way to hold the saw and discovered it took patience to use for this purpose, we talked about icons and the possible symbolism and deeper meaning our main image would bring to our finished piece.

Yona's Completed Collage

We talked about slowing down in the process and using the time it took to saw as a time of meditation and listening for what the storyteller was beginning to reveal about what we were making.

Pam sharing her story

In the end each woman had a story to share and I felt fully blessed as I listened to what the storyteller revealed to each one.

Pam's completed collage

Stories of healing, stories of celebration, stories of discovery, each one was personal and each was willing to share.

Glenda Sharing her story

I am so thankful to these women for their kindness, the way the opened up to each other and to me.

Glenda's completed collage

And speaking of feeling blessed, my good friend Becky came to support me and help keep me organized.

Wendy W working on her background

She went over and beyond the call of duty as she organized all the items I had mailed ahead, picked me up from the airport, helped me set up my table for vendors night, helped me set up for the class and was still able to follow along and create her own collage and found she too had a story to share.

Wendy's completed Collage

I couldn't be more grateful to her. I felt like God had sent a guardian angel to meet me there and it was Becky!

Becky shares her story

Thank-you Glenda, Pam, Yona, Wendy S, Wendy W, and Becky!

Becky's completed collage

Oh and did I mention Becky's dog Otis? We quickly became the best of friends, Otis and I. I just know he's still sitting there waiting for me to come back!

Be Who You Are

Sometimes as we grow up we learn to put on masks. We put on a mask to hide our feelings from the people around us because they don't understand or give us credit for what we are trying to say. Sometimes we put on a mask to become who others want us to be. To fit into the image we have in our heads of what makes us acceptable to them. Right or wrong, good or bad, sometimes we try so hard to be the right thing for so many other people that we forget who we really are. Who we were really created to be. In pursuing this feeling of acceptance from the outside we may wind losing our way altogether. Sometimes we are so buried under these masks that we can not even remember where we started.

Slowly peel it all away. It may be painful at first but it is worth it. Take a step today. Stop trying so hard to be the right kind of person on the outside. You are okay. Allow yourself to just be who you are. Who you were meant to be.

Preview Vendor Night - Art & Soul (and read for a special announcement!)

I've been busy in the studio preparing to head out to Art & Soul in Portland just 1 short week from today. There are so many things I've wanted to write about. So many things that God has been doing in my life, but time is flying by and my to do list seems to be growing the closer the event gets. I promise to slow down when I return and write in more detail about some of these things.

If you plan to be at Art & Soul drop me a note here to let me know and then be sure to stop by my table and see me at Vendor Night ~ I will be selling many of my Objects from Other Peoples Flowers and have prepared a lot of new art (which you can preview in the slide show above and still find a few pieces at OPF Studio on Etsy) ~ I would love to meet you face to face!

There are still several spots available in my class, Front & Center 3D Collage w/Story, if you are free on Sunday I would love to have you join us. We will be learning collage techniques, using our jewelers saws to cut acrylic, making tube rivets, and discussing ways that these techniques can be used in other applications. But the class isn't just about the technique, it's about you. The artist. The artist you were meant to be. You will learn how to observe, listen, and trust the artist within you and begin to create art that speaks about the stories you carry within your heart. I hope you can join us!

And if you can't make it to Portland then I am pleased to announce that Art & Soul has added a new venue in the Midwest, Madison Wisconsin, just a few short hours from home for me! Start watching for announcements for registration. The event will be held in July 2010 and I will be teaching my wax and wire techniques!


And if you are unable to make it you can always

Dwelling Places

It has been a whirlwind of activity here at OPF Studio with many fun and exciting things going on that I can't tell you about yet, but soon...

Meanwhile I have once again turned my attention to my first love, collage, and am so pleased to begin showing and listing a new series of works that have been mounted on archival mat board ready to be framed to suit your decor.

One of my favorite pieces yet began as one of the most boring and dissatisfying from the series. As I finished up a few pieces this one just looked bland and I kept pushing it aside knowing it wasn't complete.
One night on an after dinner trek through the neighborhood I came across this scrap of copper with a hole punched through. The next day I was cleaning the bowl I use to melt my encaustic wax and pulled out a piece of antique text to absorb the last few drops. As I tore it into strips I noticed it was a poem and in that moment the collage became what it was meant to be. I love these seemingly random, but connected moments. It is the voice, the storyteller, the Spirit within that guides me.

"And there were temples on the heights
And homes beneath the fruited trees
And never had I seen before
Beings so beautiful as these..... they laughed, and they loved"

from "The Tryst" by Harriet Prescott Spofford

~My people will live in peaceful dwelling places, in secure homes, in undisturbed places of rest~ Isaiah 32:18

"Dwelling Places" is an encaustic wax collage created from antique papers, textures and found copper scrap on gesso board. It is nicely mounted on a standard 11" x 14" mat and is ready for you to frame to fit your own decor. To purchase e-mail me at crystal_opf@comcast.net or visit opfstudio at Etsy.

Free to Dream

Eight years ago on this day I was rushing around getting ready for work. The kids stood in front of the TV watching the news. They pointed out what was happening on the screen, but I was too busy to notice more then smoke coming from a high rise building. By the time I dropped my 12-year old daughter and 13-year old step-son off at school, I realized the magnitude of what they had been watching. I knew in my heart there would be a strong military response to this action against our country.

This week my, then 13-year old, step-son left for basic training after volunteering to enlist in the Army. He signed up knowing full well the likelihood was high that he will be deployed soon after his training. But he has a dream and he didn't let fear keep him from it. From the time he was a little boy he has wanted to be a pilot. He is also an avid watcher of the military channel and after exploring his options he knew this was the best way for him to become who he knows he was meant to be. On his facebook page he left this quote:

~ Live for nothing, or die for something. Your call." John J. Rambo- Rambo 4 ~

At 21 he already knows what he was created to be. Something many adults twice his age are still trying to figure out. Something I have only begun, in the past few years, to learn about myself.

It has been quite a journey from where I was then to the artist I am becoming today. The me that I was created to be.

I am grateful this morning for the men and women of our military who serve day and night to keep this country free.

Free to speak. Free to live and love. Free to worship. Free to follow our dreams.

~ Free To Dream is available for sale at OPF Studio on Etsy or e-mail me at crystal_opf@comcast.net for details~