This Blog Is About To Get Messy!

The Acre Of My Soul   
  Collage Mixed Media Assemblage by Crystal Marie

Oh the bunny trails I can follow when I'm avoiding doing what I should be doing. The shoulds should mean the stuff that is unpleasant to do, but really I can twist the most pleasant of activities into a should if you give me enough time. This morning I should be writing. Because I want to be writing more. 

Yesterday I went crazy and broadcasted live from Facebook with a radical idea for my blog that might not sound so radical or earth shattering to you, but  because you're not the one about to get naked in the middle of Times Square. 

Okay that might be a little bit of an exaggeration, but that's the feeling of it for me. To decide to get more raw, more real, more truthful and honest here on the blog in my writing style is to expose the thoughts behind the thoughts I typically show you. To be messy here means to stop editing myself out of fear of what some mysterious internet reader, or a long lost acquaintance, or friend who's ghosted me, lurking around on social media might think.  It is to stop trying to put a positive spin on everything out of concern that you, my readers *(reader? Is it still just you out there mom?), might think I sound like a victim or a drama queen.

Some would say I’m addicted to drama. They see someone who’s life seems to always be in chaos and they say maybe I'm just addicted to the pain. They don't see the woman who is pulling herself out of a pit of early dysfunction and conditioning, and attempting to pull others out with her. 

But I’m done with that self blaming talk- not done like I’ve conquered it- but done like I’m actively working on recognizing all the ways the Insipid blame the victim game works inside my head. It doesn’t serve a higher purpose to self-flagellate and it sure as hell doesn’t lead to recovery. It simply serves to shame the person into going even further into hiding.

That’s what addiction really is, it's hiding to numb old feelings of abandonment, fear of rejection, inadequacy. A sense of not belonging. 

It is the action, the symptom of the issue, not the issue itself.

Those behaviors aren't caused by addiction, they come from conditioning. Addiction is the thing I do to try to run from, hide from, or even agree with that conditioning. Addiction doesn't always look as destructive as we think. Addiction is simply the actions we take to numb the conditioning. 

Taking drugs or alcohol, maxing out the credit card, hopping from abusive relationship to abusive relationship, people watching, and judging others (so much easier to do anonymously with the internet now), mindlessly scrolling through social media, people pleasing, perfectionism, codependency, these are all the addictive behaviors we act out of desperation to numb, to hide, to avoid what we really want. 

To belong. 

Because we don't think we do. We might believe we don't deserve to, or that we're too flawed too. We might have found ourselves as odd man out so many times we believe the only way to find acceptance and belong is to pretend to fit in. To present to the world a persona. We put on masks and pick up shields to avoid rejection. But this armor we believe we need to be accepted by or cope with the world, is the very thing that actually prevents the world from knowing us. From seeing us. From connecting with our true selves. Our true flawed and broken beautiful selves. 

It keeps us from truly feeling like we belong. 

So here I am. Putting down my armor, shield after shield. One layer at a time. I'm committed to showing up here and relaxing a little bit more. Letting go of the fear of rejection - which I manage by carefully curating what I write. Letting go of my need to please you by always putting a positive spin on even the most miserable of situations. Laying down the armor of people pleasing and control. The one that is the chameleon to help me blend in. The one that is more concerned with hurting your feelings then telling the truth. 

This blog is about to get messy because I plan to write more of what I really think. To stop editing and curating and spinning my life to make it more palatable for an imaginary critic. I might swear a little. Or a lot. I'm sure I'll express opinions you disagree with. There might not be a happy conclusion. Or even a conclusion at all. Basically this is going to be my morning dumping ground before the coffee kicks in  enough to stop me. 

So if you just subscribed because you watched that facebook video, welcome to my mess. 
You've been warned.