Freedom's Just Another Word

Freedom's Just Another Word
Encaustic Mixed Media Assemblage by Crystal Marie

Remember that song from the 70's? It must have been the 70's, when I think of it I can remember feeling that freedom in my bones as I rode my banana seat bike with it's pink plastic daisies and streamers around the neighborhood. 

My commitment to getting messy here on the blog and saying all the things out loud is really challenging me this morning. My thoughts are swirling around waiting to be heard and yet I can't seem to get them past the back of my throat. 

My teeth are clamped. The old accusers have stirred from their slumber to begin lobbying their complaints against me. The one side shouting "get a grip! nobody cares!" The other side arguing that my inability to put fingers to keypad and spill, is evidence of my cowardness, and even more evidence that in spite of my realization that I might be "the one person" I seek to help with my own writing, thus my commitment to write as if it's just for me, I still do actually care what other people think of me. 

And I know I do, care. I do.

I don't intend to get so hardened as to notreallygivearatsass about you at all. I simply want to be able to speak my truths and release you from responding. Or myself from needing you to. Let alone from the pressure of needing you to prop me up with applause. Because isn't that what approval seeking is really? The need to feel affirmed by others? I want to care about you and still be okay if you don't approve of me, or downright disagree with my words. 

And lest you be confused. When I say, spill, I don't mean spill all the family secrets. Good Lord, how much time do we all have anyway? No, it's the daily stuff, the ways that early conditioning is still dictating how well I manage my life. That's where I am right now. That's where I think so many of us get stuck. Where I worry over the shield of "what will people think of me?" it's a tough one. 

So back to that song..."Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose". Exactly what is it I am afraid I'll lose if I speak all of my truths here? 

Exactly what is it if you do?