The Good, The Bad, The Ugly, And The Sublime - A Progress Report In That Order

Hope Medallion - Encaustic Mixed Media by Crystal Neubauer

Looking back at the date of the last post, I realized it was time for a progress report of sorts. Here's the skinny on the time that has lapsed in the past month. 

I continue to get settled in to my new home, a lovely townhouse in a beautiful community in Gurnee, Illinois. It is 40 minutes to my Racine studio, but an easy enough drive, which I am committed to making at least twice a week. 

I made the decision to move back to the Illinois side of the border for a number of reasons, not the least of which is to be closer to my children, grands, and several close friends. My doctors are all located in Chicago, and I've applied for and received my license for medical marijuana. Shocking I know, but it is the only thing that's even come close to helping with the chronic insomnia that is a major symptom to the illnesses I'm living with. No weird side effects, no new meds to control the symptoms caused by other meds, and the added benefit of helping to manage my inflammation, which is astronomical in lab numbers, and the pain that it causes. It is also reported to kill the Lyme virus.

The home - it really is lovely. Each day I've gotten a little more organized, a little more used to waking up in this space, and a little more attached to this feeling. The one that feels like love and light and gratitude. So much gratitude. 

I've spent the month and a half since moving here reflecting on the astonishing response to the gofund me that my friend and guardian angel, Jana started for me. The ability that money has given me to relocate, not just flee a bad situation (read that post here), but to actually have the peace of mind of knowing there were deposit monies and first months rent, moving helpers and truck money, and all the millions of little expenses that chip away at the savings during a move. I can't really describe that feeling yet, it's still feels fairly new to me. 

More than knowing that there were funds available to help me get set up in a new place, to pay for the initial doctors visits and labs not covered by insurance, and the meds that have been helping me get physically stable, has been the feeling of being lifted by a community, bigger, wider, deeper, than I ever understood was there. 

You all had my back. And then some. 

Letters, messages, cards, and gifts of encouragement continue to come - and I continue to receive each one in awe and gratitude. This above all else, has been a defining moment in my life. I close my eyes and see myself being held - skimming across the top of a crowd of people, hands outstretched to lift me, as if surfing the crowd at a rock concert. I still can't quite describe that feeling. 

Physically the move has been one of the hardest I've ever experienced - and people who have had to devote entire pages in their address books to updating my information can testify to the enormity of that statement. Emotionally, well, reread the few paragraphs above. The daily waking to a profound sense of emotional well being regardless of physical status is more than I can put words to. Thank you. Thank you. And a thousand times thank you.

The initial doctors visits yielded a prescription for Ketotifen and an over the counter supplement called HistDAO. One is a histamine blocker, the other breaks down histamine in the stomach, and both are mast cell stabilizers. The consistent use of these two products has helped diminish that constant stabbing pain in the gut feeling, alleviate most of the pounding heart, and many unfortunate bathroom symptoms after a meal or an environmental trigger, broke the whole-body migraine that nearly crippled me, eased some of the facial flushing, and has enabled me to start adding certain foods slowly back into my diet. As of today I've gained 10 pounds back - and let me tell you, the difference between 98 pound me and 108 pound me went from looking like a sad nutritionally starved anorexic teenager to a slightly underweight but leaning towards better life adult woman. 

Life is good - but many challenges remain. The next steps on the health front involve more tests and upcoming appointments. Exploring other meds to add to the regimine, and still to be determined stage of the disease progress. 

The month of June was brilliant, beautiful, rare in the midwest, with daily temps hovering just below 80 and low humidity levels reminiscent of my stays in California. Each day I started out sitting with the dog on the back deck soaking in the rays and sweet breezes. But summer has arrived, and with it, the need to turn on the AC. This is where my story takes a turn. 

The new house has mold in the HVAC system. 

I am devastated at this realization and at having to report this. It's toying with the old ingrained sense that I need to make sure everyone else is okay and that I'm responsible for what you think about me. That's a screwy sentence to write, but bear with me. 

I can't wrap my head around the fact that this is the sixth home I've moved to with a mold problem. I can't wrap my head around the fact that I only rented the last home for six months, two and a half of which were spent staying in other people's homes. I can't wrap my head around the fact that I was meticulous in my search for a safe, clean environment. I didn't let myself look at the old houses that I gravitate to and love. I let my nose do the inspecting after ignoring tell-tale mildewy smells in said older homes in the past. I opened closet doors, inspected the utility closets, counted the cost of air quality living in apartments, verses houses, verses the townhouse I finally chose. I was eager to get on with it, but I didn't let my actions become desperate - that was part of the gift from you all with the support you gave. 

The ugly truth of it is that living in the US, more then 50% of homes have had some sort of  water damage and a good majority of those are in the midwest and southern states. With my genetics, and compromised immune system, multiple former exposures to toxins - mold, Lyme, and last years food poisoning, have left me with a full bucket of toxins and a system that has a very difficult time properly emptying that bucket. An average person with a healthy immune system and functioning detox pathway could live with this level of exposure without much notice - the exposure is not good for anyone long term- eventually there might be tell-tale symptoms like sinus allergies and unexplained illnesses for most, but for me - with that bucket already full, the symptoms are more serious and come on more quickly. 

I've been hard pressed to talk about this to many people. I get stirred up in the "what will people think" and "no one believes me" lies that have bound me for most of my life. Don't even get me started on the one that says "you got what you deserved." Hell, I don't want to believe it so how can I blame you for not understanding? But here I am, living in a new place that I am in love with, dealing with the very thing I moved here to escape from. 

So what now? 

Luckily, at this time, the problem seems to be contained in the HVAC system - only presenting itself to me upon turning on the AC. So I purchased an enzyme solution recommended by the remediation company that my mold health group recommends, talked to the landlord's brother (he's responsible for the carpentry and maintenance of the properties),  and he took the unit apart piece by piece cleaning it with the solution meticulously. He spent hours on it and reassured me that if the problem continued, he'd go into the crawl space and open the ductwork and treat it from down there. 

This week the temps have dipped again, though Wednesday it was nearly 100 so there was a brief time of AC and so far so good. Some of the exposure symptoms remain - but I am in a wait and see, don't panic frame of mind. If the problem is indeed only in the system - which isn't uncommon for central AC units, then fingers crossed, and prayers said, the solution is enough to remediate it. It is when there is water damage to the structure of the house that it becomes too big to be safe for me to hope for remediation. Add your prayers and light and energy and well wishes to mine for a good outcome to this unexpected bump. 

Work wise, there has been good progress on the shield series for my solo show opening at RAM Wustum Museum in Racine next month. The ideas that have been pouring in have begun to take shape in the studio. But I'm down to the wire and don't have time to do some of the experimentation I had hoped to do for this series, this show. I've promised myself to keep playing with these materials even after the show is hung. I've been posting progress shots of the works on my Instagram account here. 

I'll be taking a short break once the pieces for the show are complete, to clean up, tear down, and reset for my September workshop. My wheels are turning for future endeavors and ways to make the actual studio profitable enough to justify keeping it. I'm badly in need of some time to start developing my video courses -  time has been flying by with the focus being on the move and the RAM show.The pop up shop will open Monday - with expressions of interest having first dibs at the offerings on Sunday. Keep an eye out for it here. Leave me a comment on the blog below (be sure to include an email address) for the Sunday advance opportunity. And sign up for my newsletter here if you don't want to miss out on this or any of the future pop ups planned. 

This time there will be a series of 4" square encaustic paintings, each with a small bit of a book spine set in the middle, which symbolizes inner strength to me. That spine of the book is typically hidden beneath the skin of the books cover, but it enables the book to stand - and it is what I have hidden beneath my own surface, the stuff on the inside most eyes cannot see, that enables me to stand through all of the challenges and thrills life has sent my way. 

It is the spirit of those whose arms are raised to lift me, the spirit of my own being, The Spirit of a God who loves me, and the spirit of knowledge, and hunger, and thirst for living my best life, not in spite of these challenges, but because of the transformation happening through them. 

It suddenly occurs to me I actually do know how to describe that feeling. It is sublime.