Tough As A Mother (post from my facebook account April 25, 2019)

A recent post from my Facebook account, that I'd like to share with you here. I'll be adding a few more throughout the day. This one was posted April 25, 2019

I bought this shirt because it spoke to me about the trials I've endured in my life and the circumstances I'm currently going through. I took this picture with the thought of posting it to assure you all that my outward circumstances won't defeat me. That on the outside I may be weak, but on the inside I am strong. I am a fighter. I wanted to tell you that so you wouldn't be concerned about me. Because I've been wired to believe I'm responsible for how everyone else is feeling, and my innate thinking pattern goes along the lines of believing it is unseemly to call attention to my own needs. That having a need that I can't manage behind the scenes on my own makes me weak, and reads as playing the victim. 

Can any of you relate?

See, I told you all last month that I've rapidly lost a great deal of weight and that I'm working with my doctor to determine the cause. And then this past week, I updated my profile picture to one taken on Easter Sunday with my beautiful granddaughter, who is among the biggest joys of my life, because it made me happy. And then I heard from many of you concerned at the dramatic change in my appearance, and even concerned that I had allowed myself to be seen like this. 

So I thought I needed to reassure you all that everything is going to be okay. Don't be alarmed. Don't worry about me. Look, I'm tough! 

But the truth is, that even now, even yet today, I am learning that what makes us tough isn't hiding ourselves from other people. It isn't the ability to go it alone and not be a burden on anyone else ever. What actually makes us tough is allowing ourselves to be seen in the hard places. In the middle of the storms of life. What makes us strong isn't our determination to power through our circumstances so that no one else is inconvenienced or upset. What actually makes us tough is the ability to say I need you. In our most vulnerable, exposed and raw places. To allow ourselves to stay connected to each other, rather than to close up and wall off to protect ourselves from exposure and the judgement or discomfort of others. 

A health update is coming, but today I am sharing this picture and practicing saying I need you, and I am grateful that you are there.