Just Breath

"Ribbons of Grace" Series in progress 

Summer of 2011: "I was in the car when I realized the truth of the state of my marriage and my inability to save it. I felt foolish for believing I ever could. I pulled to the corner of an intersection and glanced to my right, noticing yet another business had closed and felt the sadness of it. This one, a video store, seemed to be a sign of the changing times rather then the poor state of the economy. 

As I pulled away I saw life everywhere around me and recognized the organic nature of it. That while one business had died away, others were being born, and isn't that true of the living and dying of people and relationships as well? 

That takes away the sadness somewhat. It is what it is, simply a living breathing organism of endings and beginnings. The cyclic nature of it creates the hum of life, the ebb and flow, the inhale exhale breath leading to breath all interconnected. 

The desire to remain or to hold on to something dear to us is simply a reminder that we aren't yet home. There is something bigger then us.The forever we know in our hearts to exist doesn't take place in the now of this life. It is our promise for the future. The guarantee of death leading to eternal life. 

Meanwhile, it just isn't that complicated. Enjoy the living among you. Watch the sunsets and sunrise. Appreciate the time you do have. Love the ones you are with, but don't hold them so tight. Speak the truth always, but be kind. Mourn the losses and let go of what is beyond your control. Live at peace and find the joy in your purpose. Accept what is for today and never let go of the hope for tomorrow. Believe there is something more and go forth without fear."

I wrote the excerpt above almost exactly 4 years ago when my marriage was about to end for nearly the 400th time. Only slightly an exaggeration, I had been down this road before and this time felt like it was for real, but then it wasn't. 

Today I am trying to be gentle with myself. It is the morning after my husband moved out, a week before I will move back to my childhood hometown. 

It is my choice. Was my decision. And I am reminding myself that the things I learned over the past four years needed to be learned. The things I learned over the past 14 years of this marriage, hell over the course of my lifetime even, are the things I needed to learn in the way I was able to learn them to be the person I am today. 

It is the thing I speak about in my art- it all matters. 

Every scrap of paper represents a point in time, it is all valuable no matter how tattered the individual element appears to be; each experience is relevant to becoming who we are and making us the people we are supposed to be. Not one part of my life could be left out without changing me. 

But some days it's harder to see that than others. 

Today is one of those days. So I will just sit here and breath. 
Tomorrow I will tell you a little more perhaps, but today I will just let myself breath.