A Long Slow Unraveling

It is an absolutely gorgeous Memorial Day weekend, traditional beginning of summer, throw open the windows, baseball on the radio, lawnmower humming, hamburgers on the grill kind of day, and these sunny skies with puffy clouds have brought a wistful sort of restlessness in my spirit. 

I've been contemplating sharing what's happening in my life, yet finding it impossible to form the words. Impossible really, to even wrap my head around it, let alone find words to tell you. 

I could gloss over the details and tell you how much I am learning through the events of this season, because I am. I am learning. So. Much. I want to rush through these lessons and get to the victorious end and report these things from the other side of it. Standing on the podium, diploma in hand. 

But I'm not there yet. I am in the messy middle.

I've turned a page in the textbook and suddenly I understand what the lessons are. Two + Two = Four but that root? Wait, what was that root number again? I sigh as my pencil begins to dull. Or maybe it's my thinking, as it were, because Lyme does affect the sharpness of my thinking. 

Chronic Lyme. There, I said it. I have just been diagnosed with Chronic Lyme. Those words have been rolling around in my head, stuck on my tongue, for the past few weeks. It explains so very much.

It is a relief really, to know the root cause of the myriad of illnesses and symptoms I've been suffering for so long; the bone weary exhaustion, the arthritic deep muscle and bone pain, the sleepless nights, fluy aches, the pops and fizzles and twitches and spasms in my muscles, anxiety and depression, the dull thinking and memory lapses and missing words. The crazy hyper sensitivities and so many more inexplicable debilitating symptoms.

But then again, it's kind of devastating.

Last week I told you about my awesome new studio, the permanent one in the same building where I had set up a temporary unit for a few weeks to participate in the Racine studio tour and teach my latest workshop. It's a fantastic space in a building that houses over 50 other artist studios. A community of artists like I have been dreaming of working in for several years. I am finally here and I know it is where I am supposed to be right now. But what I didn't tell you was the full of the why I chose to make that move so soon after moving into my huge studio loft apartment in Racine.

Mold. Unfathomably, I moved into another home that has some sort of issue with mold. And I became sick again. Really really sick. It was hard at first, to acknowledge it, because what the actual f#*k?? But the fact is, that I have not stayed inside the apartment for more than an hour or two since the beginning of April, when I finally had to acknowledge that my symptoms were mounting and the management was not going to fix it.

The doctor noted swollen lymph glands, red irritated respiratory track, sinusitis, hives, and it was hard to overlook the complete loss of my voice, but the suspicion of Lyme was what really threw me. What could this experience possibly have to do with that tick-borne disease?

Quite a lot, as it turns out. Lyme disease gone undiagnosed for decades- misdiagnosed as Lupus, Fibromyalgia, Thyroiditis, Tachardia Arythmias, and a host of other seemingly unrelated illnesses, wreaked havoc on my immune system, causing a hyper-sensitivity to issues like exposure to mold. Compound that with genetic markers, discovered through recent labs, that prove me to be among the 25% of the population whose bodies cannot clear the biotoxins created by mold exposure, lyme, and other toxins and you've got a formula for one very sick puppy. This exposure has left me slammed with a flare of debilitating symptoms I can't begin to describe. 

I have been at a complete loss of words over it, and so have avoided mentioning it at all. But it is hard to put on a happy face and not let on that I am in the midst of this crisis. It isn't unusual these days to get concerned email wondering why I haven't yet managed to fulfill some responsibility that I have committed to. All I can say is that it is hard. And I am genuinely sorry. And I am doing the best that I can to keep up. And so much has gone by the wayside.

Yesterday I moved out of the apartment and stored the bulk of my things in my new studio. My husband and I are still working through our issues, not yet ready to reconcile, and though I have a place to stay, I am without my own home until I can find a clean, safe place to move.

I have begun the first steps necessary to help my body clear the biotoxins that it is unable to release. It will be a very long and painful course to try to stabilize enough to even begin to look at treatments for Lyme, and after decades of this disease doing what it will in my body, there is no guarantee that I will get well. The only guarantee is that not addressing it will mean my health continues to decline.

Author and blogger, Glennon Doyle Melton described coming to terms with the chronic nature of her own battle with Lyme disease as a dreamlike picture of God knitting her life together in a sort of wild and beautiful swirly afghan. For myself, the opposite picture holds true, as I get impressions of a “long slow unraveling”.

Tear down this temple and I will rebuild it, Jesus said. He knew that the old systems had to be completely let go before the new could be established. I don't know whether I will be cured of Chronic Lyme disease, the doctor guarantees it wil get worse before I get better. But one thing I can say is this crisis is being used to challenge the old systems and belief patterns inside me. Each one being pulled away to free me. In a long slow unraveling.  

The thing That Led Me To The Thing

"The man who removes a mountain, begins by carrying away small stones."
~Chinese Proverb

This year my poor blog has oft been neglected. I share news in other forums, my newsletter, facebook, instagram, but here I log in and it's nothing but crickets. So here, in an effort to keep you in the loop, dear blog followers, is the last newsletter news that went out in April. . . . (thus, the events noted may have already passed)

Studio Tour and News 

It's been one of those months - the kind that disappear without a trace, slipping away into the landscape of fond memories and unexpected turns. Home from my teaching trip to Seattle and vacation in Hawaii, I've made a big decision about my studio space and started to implement it.

When I moved up to Racine, I was looking for an affordable large space where I could easily connect with other artists. I found my warehouse loft apartment while doing a search for just such a space, and while these units were advertised as an artists community, I've been disappointed to find hardly any artists here. I did meet one woman in the elevator who heard rumor of an artist moving to her floor, but I think she was talking about me.

The city of Racine, on the other hand, has been a tremendous surprise for the good. There is a thriving community of artists living and working all over the city and I've found many opportunities to connect and get involved. I applied for the Racine Art Museum's Fellowship Grant and was thrilled to receive the nicest rejection letter telling me that my work had been strongly considered and encouraging me to add "finalist" to my resume. This past week I was one of the feature artists included in The Journal Times article about the upcoming "Get Behind the Arts" studio tour in both Racine and Kenosha.
Check out the article here to read all about this outstanding event.

And this brings me back to that big decision I was telling you about; while I was disappointed that the building I moved to did not contain the artists community I was looking for, it was the thing that led me to that thing. This move led me to connect with artists who are working in just the type of place I was looking for - the 16th Street Studios in Racine, where over 50 artists have studios. I weighed many factors in contemplating moving my studio again, but in the end I knew I needed to work in the same building as this thriving community sooner rather than later - so as of this Wednesday, I will be signing a lease and beginning the transition.

I will be setting up shop in a temporary space on the 4th floor - studio #4198 while I wait for my permanent space to be ready and you are all invited to come see why I love it so much during the Get Behind The Arts studio tour. Check out the article I linked above for details, or go to the event page on Facebook here. I hope you can make it!

Make Objects That Talk - Brush Making and The Art of the Mark

"Make objects that talk and then listen to what they have to say."

~Art and Fear

With the holidays over, my energies are turning to welcoming you all into my new space. This studio is excellent for hosting workshops. I've set up the tables to allow everyone a seat with plenty of elbow room and we all get to gather as a creative community. No one left sitting in the back of the room or facing somebody's backside in this space. And the more the merrier - I've got two more tables to add to the mix without compromising on space or friendship connections.

The first class is shaping up to be one of my all time favorites. I have been playing with new designs for handmade brushes and tools and can't wait to share them with you in "Brushmaking and The Art of The Mark, with Collage." 

Now because it is so fresh on the heels of the holidays, and because we are all still recovering our schedules and finances, this workshop has been set up as a one day class with an option second day.

The first day will focus on those brush and mark-making tool designs I was telling you about. Check out all the samples I've made for this class! Think of it as an assemblage class for mark-making tools. As a matter of fact, I am contemplating incorporating my new tools into my box assemblage samples that I'll be using in February's class! 

Think that sounds like fun? The second day of class only gets better - bring back the papers you made with those newly created tools on day 1, and I'll show you how to turn them into a beautiful collage. The morning will focus on learning the art and techniques of collage and the afternoon will be open studio format with the opportunity to have me at your side answering questions and using class supplies as you work.

I do hope that you will consider joining us. It may be cold outside, but making art keeps it cozy in the studio! Head on over to this link to find out more details and register for the class.

On Facing Your Fears and New Year's Resolutions

"Stepping Out"  mixed media collage by Crystal Neubauer

“Courage is being scared to death, and saddling up anyway.” ~ John Wayne

A wise woman once told me that the way to get over a fear was to face the thing you were afraid of and realize you didn't die from it when you get to the other side.

As a sufferer of complex-PTSD I have a lot of practice with this. Wired from a childhood game of “watch the drunk man drive”, I lean hard toward the hyper-vigilant codependency, laced with a side of anxiety frame of mind.

Face the fear and do it anyway. Sage advice and very effective in getting things done. I've tried to live this mantra and have many accomplishments as a result of not letting fear limit me. But in the annual thinking of new goals for the year ritual, I've come to realize that this way of living, while allowing me a certain level of success, isn't really doing me any favors.

Instead of taking an ax to the root of the issue, I've been facing each fear like it's some sort of sumo wrestling match. I get into the ring with my fear, we stomp our feet at each other, noses flaring eyes bulging and start rolling around until one of us comes out on top. During times of high anxiety, it's more like a football game and I'm the only person on my team. I put on my helmet, clutch the ball, put my head down, and barrel my way through the line. Some days I score and others I am squashed under a heap unable to get up.

Always, always, fear has the power and I am the 90 pound weakling looking for a way to trick fear into looking the other way while I slip by unnoticed. Or to hell with it, just throw in the towel and retreat into myself and avoid life altogether.

Now before you get all judgey on me, or start writing me letters to cheer me up, I know I haven't corned the market on harboring fears. Fear is an insipid sneaky little devil that doesn't show up at your door announcing itself as fear, waiting for an invitation to come in. Much of what is wrong in our individual lives, communities and society stem from unacknowledged fear.

Fear is a loner. It travels at night, sneaks into your dreams and convinces you it is real.

Fear doesn't trust you to find your own way. It weaves itself in and out of your thoughts through familiar voices. It can disguise itself as the concerned advice of a friend.

Or convinces you that you are just being a friend when you dole out your own brand of unsolicited advice and try to fix other peoples lives.

Fear is a master of disguise.

Fear is a manipulator. It leaves books laying on the coffee table and articles pinned to its wall hoping you'll read about your problem so you'll come back to your senses.

Fear tells you your boundaries are unreasonable and your decisions are unsound. Fear says you took the easy way out. It cries for you in front of others and makes you question your own sanity.

Fear says you got what you deserved.

Fear makes you doubt which way is up and which way is down. No way does fear want you to know that you know.

Fear is more concerned about warning you than hearing you.

Fear tells you you are different. And it has already taught you different is bad.

Fear thinks you dress funny and pretends to be amused while warning you that leggings aren't pants, and lifting that eyebrow that says “you are going to change, aren't you?!” Because fear doesn't want you to express yourself. Or have any fun.

Fear doesn't want you to look different. Fear wants you to be suspicious of people who look different.

Fear subtly corrects you when you speak. Fear keeps you quiet when you have an idea because you might not say it right. Fear laughs at your grammar.

Fear tells you that you are too sensitive when you call it on its behavior. Because fear does not know how to apologize.

Fear is afraid you can take advantage of Grace. Fear thinks if you're given an inch of grace you will just go crazy and take an entire mile. Fear doesn't understand that Grace knows exactly how much you need and will even go the extra mile for you. Fear doesn't trust Grace.

Fear doesn't want you to eat the chocolate.

Sometimes fear tells you to hurry up and eat all the chocolate.

Fear doesn't think there is enough for everyone. Fear has a scarcity mentality.

Fear uses its own experiences to measure you. And wants you to use your experiences to measure others.

Fear tricks you into believing you don't measure others.

Fear believes absolute truth justifies black and white thinking. There is no gray area with fear, let alone room for all the amazing colors of the rainbow. Fear says if you are right then it has to be wrong.

And fear is never wrong.

Fear disguises itself with the American flag, has an Alma mater, and is fiercely loyal to the team even when someone else has been wronged.

Fear stops you from taking real action that can make a real difference because fear is comfortable and doesn't take risks. Fear numbs out in front of the TV.

Fear won't balance the checkbook. Fear doesn't want to learn.

Fear won't look at itself and doesn't want you to look at it either. Fear is afraid of your emotions. Especially the negative ones.

Fear doesn't want to sit with you through it. Fear only wants to tell you what you should do.

Fear tells you not to talk about it. And for heaven's sake don't write it on your blog! Fear tells you that talking about it is a weakness and a downer and not productive.

Fear says you just want to stay stuck in the past when you should be forgetting it. Fear says that means you harbor unforgiveness and have a victim mentality.

Fear disguises being afraid of others, of the world, and even yourself, as values. Fear convinces you that things cannot change. That they will only get worse. That you cannot make a difference. That you need to protect yourself with weapons, build really big walls and put bullies in charge.

Fear wants you to stay with the bullies. Fear is a bully.

Fear tells you that bullies can't change. Fear says you shouldn't expect them to.

When you really stop to face your fear, you find that it is often nothing more then Donald Trump in a fat suit. A blowhard with really bad acne and greasy hair growing more powerful and full of itself every time you listen to its hateful rhetoric.

Fear wants you to believe it has all the power. Fear will convince you that you have none.

Fear will twist your words about power and say you don't trust God, because you should cherish your weakness and let Him be strong.

2015 was a year that opened my eyes to just how much I fear. It came in large and shame inducing ways, it whispered its subtle lies in the middle of the night, and it pointed its finger from across the street. I've wrestled with it, I've run from it, shrunk from it, numbed out, checked out, and faced it head on and done the things I needed to do anyway.

White knuckles on the wheel all the way baby!

I have viewed fear as the opposition and me as the weaker party. But is that really true?

What if fear is here to teach me? Maybe fear really needs me to listen to it. Maybe fear keeps flaring up because it is afraid.

What if, instead of putting my head down and barreling my way through my fears, I take them all out and hold them in my hands and have a good long look at them? What if I put my arms around my fears and hold them tenderly and tell them it is all going to be okay?

I don't want to live an undivided life anymore. Putting on a brave face for all the world to see, all the while fighting this bloody battle to the death behind the scenes. I don't want to hide myself from fear, or from you, or from myself anymore.

I am not naive enough to think that this revelation will make it all disappear overnight, but I think there is something to this kinder gentler way of dealing with my fear. Of remembering my own power and looking at fear with curious eyes rather then fighting it back with more fear. And so this is my new year's resolution: I will own every part of me. It all matters and is all valuable to the whole of who I am. I will allow myself to face fear with the same love I would offer a friend. I will hear it out and answer it with reassurance and a hug.

I don't know for sure, but I suspect this is what I have been missing in this formula on courage and fear; Facing my fear, yes, but facing it with love. And facing myself in the same way.

The Darkness and The Light

China Doll     9" x 9" x 2.5" Collage Mixed Media by Crystal Neubauer

I am finally feeling I am starting to get caught up after the past few months of moving and show prep. I have started to hang art in my apartment and just finished up the last of the Christmas decorating, I am working on getting good images and listing art in the shop, scheduling workshops and shows for next year, and the inbox is under 100 to be read. Whew!

On any given day I confess, that I feel guilty for the time I am not using to the utmost of productivity. I have a difficult time allowing myself to relax and do nothing - even if there really is nothing to do. Compounding this issue, sales were slower than expected at the show this year and I will have to continue my efforts to generate the income I need to support myself through the next few months when I was hoping to be able to focus on some new ideas in the studio and getting my website updated.

Fear and anxiety are ever threatening to creep in and steal my peace, the fallout of a hyper-alert childhood conditioning that I am incrementally healing from. It is a tricky balance to take care of what I am responsible to do and trust that everything is going to be okay. But a recent conversation with a friend reminds me that fear is a liar. And I'll add, control is an illusion.

We are in the midst of Advent. A season of waiting in darkness before the coming light. In spite of the darkness that seems to be increasing in the world out there, and sometimes in my world within, one thing I know to be true is that the light is inside of me. I am a carrier of the light.

The first scripture I ever memorized has amplified in this season with it's threatening fears. It reminds me that I get to choose what I meditate on. Will it be the dark days we seem to be in or will it be the light? Today it may seem to be just a flicker, but I choose to focus on the light, because I am reminded by that scripture "Greater is He, that is inside of me, than he that is in the entire world."

Or in other words “Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”

And there is enough love to do it my friends. Do not be afraid. 
Love really is enough.