Identity Theft

"Identity Theft" by Crystal Neubauer  36" x 24" Encaustic and Mixed Media on Panel

A spin off from my "Clean Slate" series, titled "Identity Theft", explores the errant messages we women receive which diminish our sense of true identity and self-worth. The right side, done in encaustic and ink, depicts a woman whose bare body is exposed for all to see, but her face is obscured as an illustration of the emphasis society places on the shape of a woman's body over that of her mind, heart, or accomplishments.

The left side is created to resemble a worn chalk board. The viewer can write words that have obscured her own identity and sense of worth and then erase them in a cathartic-like exercise.

I have written and erased many words. There are the obvious derogatory words designed to silence, degrade, or reduce to one-dimension: "Bitch", "Slut", "MILF". But even words as seemingly innocuous as "she's such a nice girl" can be hurtful when the heart of the message means she doesn't challenge the system or upset the status-quo. "Leave the tough stuff to the men-folk little woman", "Just don't you worry your pretty little head about it", "Nice christian girls don't. . ." Nice christian girls don't write words like bitch and slut in their blog posts! What will people think? and after all, who does she think she is anyway?

I've written words many of us can identify with as women- we are either too thin or too fat, we are too loud or too quiet, we can somehow simultaneously feel as if we are too much and not enough. Yet when we set off to discover our authentic selves and find what we were truly designed and called to be, we may face opposition in the most surprising places. Sometimes it comes from those who fear that the change in us will force them to face their own shortcomings, but often the opposition comes from within. Change is hard work and usually results in things looking worse long before anything gets better. 

 The current state of my studio - July 2012- a story for another day

I've been on this path to self-recovery and self-discovery for a few years now. I've written some, and shied away from sharing other parts of the journey. I confessed at the end of May how my desire to seek a higher level of professionalism in my work as an artist made me leery of writing as authentically and openly as I once had. And somewhere along the way to finding my voice in my daily life I lost my voice online. 

In my real life I had to make tough choices, say hard things to people I cared about, and draw a few lines in the sand. Life got really messy. I stopped sharing these things because I didn't know how it would end. I thought in order to share my testimony the story had to be complete, neatly wrapped up with a bow and a happily ever after. That nice christian girl syndrome again, how could I point you to the glory of God if my testimony didn't end the way a nice christian girls should?
 

Now to set the record straight, I am not now, nor have I ever been, a "nice christian girl".

But I wanted to be. I tried to be. I thought I was supposed to be. I did things like cut my hair short and bought cute sweater sets and even wore a string of faux pearls a time or two. 

I knew there were changes that needed to take place, but I didn't understand what they were. I saw other people with lives that were more functional then mine and I thought if I emulated their behavior on the outside I would achieve what I was looking for on the inside. But that's not what God had in mind for me. 

What he had in mind for me was a complete shaking and tearing down of the old unstable foundation. Everything that was not right or true had to be torn away. What He had in mind for me was complete liberation from the lies that kept me bound to the past. The ones that whispered "Who do you think you are?" every time I tried to break free. The ones that made me frantic about finding my worth in the eyes and arms of others. The ones designed to steal my identity. 

What God had in mind for me was a radical life changing encounter with Jesus. 

And lest you be mistaken, this Jesus is no one-hit wonder. An encounter of that magnitude isn't here today and gone tomorrow. It is a life-long-earth-shattering-mess-making-years-long-walking-through-the-desert journey. My testimony isn't stagnant. It is a flowing-never-ending story. It is shocking and tantalizing and filled with the realness of a crazy-mixed-up-broken-and-put-back-together life. And it isn't just for my benefit that He started this tearing away and rebuilding process. I've been doing Him a disservice by hiding it, so I've confessed that to Him and now I'm confessing it to you, and I am recommitting to talking about it here for anyone to see. A light on a hill of sorts. Raw and real and vulnerable. 

Just like He created me. Just like He created you.

New Gallery and New Work

Refresh Me With Apples:10" x 10" Collage comes in 20" x 20" shadowbox frame &mat 

I'm happy to announce I have new gallery representation in Scottsdale Arizona at Xanadu Gallery where several of my new works will be available, including the one shown above. If you are visiting the area stop in for a visit and enjoy a taste of fine art in the desert or take a virtual tour of the gallery online.

I have also updated my website with many new works and made several of these pieces available with free shipping there. Along with the original collage works, I now have several works available as fine art Giclee numbered and signed limited edition prints at my Etsy site.

EncaustiCamp: Come To The Table

Feeling uninspired? Dry? Disconnected? Then Come. Come to EncaustiCamp this year and relax. Don’t worry about the short time in which you have to prepare, just pack your bag and come. Shorts, sandals, and T will suffice. It is, after all, summer camp. 

Not the summer camp of your youth, where arts and crafts consisted of Popsicle sticks and red & green yarn. No, this is summer camp for grown-ups. For real artists. For you. 

Come. Find yourself welcomed by talented artist instructors, competent at teaching all levels of skill. 

Too late to pick up your supplies? Don’t let that stop you. Just notify your instructors and hear them say “Come”. Find all that you need waiting for you to try. Your instructor will teach you – Safety? Yes, you will glean from their vast experience how to approach the pallet, the tools, the wax, with understanding and respect – but more, they will teach you that you are allowed to try! With deliberate intent to follow your intuition. To give way to the voice that is uniquely your own. To craft the wax to represent who you are and what you have to say. 

Come make friends. Join the party. Watch a movie. Take a field trip. Yes, just like the summer camp of your youth in which life long friendships are forged. 

The all inclusive, no barriers between the experienced and the inexperienced, all are welcomed to the table here, camp for artists and friends. Come. Share a meal. Share an idea. Share a laugh. Relax. Breathe. 

Come dine at the feast that is EncaustiCamp.

Half Price Summer Kick Off Sale!

There is so much to celebrate on the home front recently and this week only I am sharing the excitement with a Summer Kick-Off Sale in my Etsy shop. This is your chance to pick up my fine art limited edition giclee prints at Wholesale prices! Check it out here and Be sure to pass the word!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

The Honest Truth About Sharing The Honest Truth - Or The Vulnerability of Being Authentic - Or I Seem To Have Gotten Lost On The Way To Being Me

6" x 6" "Utterings" Prayer Collage by Crystal Neubauer

I am having a really hard time starting this post. Partly, I think, because it has been 2 1/2 months since I last posted and my writing wheels are rusty. And Partly, I think, because it has been over 5 months since I actually wrote anything authentic or vulnerable about myself and not just a factoid about my work or my next show or workshop.

I have this sense that I want to speak from the heart and be real and allow myself to be vulnerable with you again, I just don't know where to start or even what to say.

And the honest truth is, I'm scared of what you might think. Yes, there it is. I'm scared and I am afraid that you will judge me.

You see, this blog used to be a place where I not only shared pictures of my art and talked about my work, but also a place where I could share my life experiences and my thoughts on faith. And sometimes I shared those experiences and thoughts in a way that might not be as polished as I would like. And sometimes maybe, especially in the beginning, I shared from a place that may have been a little too raw and open - with less discretion then I might have now. Sometimes I re-read some of my old posts and I cringe. and I have to admit, I've thought about taking some of them down.

And along about the time that my work began to get accepted into finer art shows and a few people began to express interest in carrying my work in their shops and galleries, I started to worry that maybe the things I shared so publicly would hurt me.

I was excited at the direction my work was taking and I wanted more of it, and so without realizing what I was doing, I started to hide the real me.

Just as I had begun to find my authentic voice, I conscientiously made the decision to stop using it online- it was so unprofessional and so messy.

I thought in order to succeed in the world of fine art I needed to present a finer version of myself. Because, you know, if my work was going to be hanging in galleries then I needed to be the kind of girl who was comfortable in said galleries. And maybe the kind who can sip wine and talk about politics and the human condition with my head tipped just so. While wearing something stylishly suitable of course.

And I certainly didn't need to be airing my dirty laundry in public.

I needed to have it all together. Or at least look like I do.

But the truth is I don't have it all together. And while I do enjoy a good glass of wine, I honestly don't know anything about selecting it. And as far as that stylishly suitable outfit? It just never seems to fit me that suitably. And even though I do have opinions about politics and the human condition, I feel kind of stupid when I open my mouth and try to express them in front of other people. Especially when my opinion is challenged because what I have just said is against the belief system of the crowd-which somehow is nearly always the case for me. Depending on the circle I find myself in, I am either the fruity religious one who is far too conservative and naive in her thinking, or I am deemed too loose and liberal minded and in need of a good course in sound theology.

I do seem to always be just a few steps out of sync with the norm and it is easy to want to hide that from you. And yet, I know it is time to write again and risk being messy and misunderstood and laughed at, or determined to be unprofessional or unrighteous in the expressing of my opinions., otherwise I fear that I may lose track of who I truly am. And right now I can think of no better way to explain it then by leaving you with the words of Frederick Buechner (which a very dear friend recently passed along to me):

“What we hunger for perhaps more than anything else is to be known in our full humanness, and yet that is often just what we also fear more than anything else. It is important to tell at least from time to time the secret of who we truly and fully are…because otherwise we run the risk of losing track of who we truly and fully are and little by little come to accept instead the highly edited version which we put forth in hope that the world will find it more acceptable than the real thing. It is important to tell our secrets too because it makes it easier…for other people to tell us a secret or two of their own…”